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The OC Report

12/9/04

By Matt G.

All I can say is Wow!  If you missed Week 5, then you truly missed out.  This week’s show had more turns than a West Virginia road.  The premises of this show centers around the Harbor School Christmas Dance. 
 

Let us start out with Cohen, shall we.  Cohen has taken his stalking show from Summer to the punk girl from the bar.  (I really should learn the names of these people, since I am writing about them)  Anyway, the punk girl gives Cohen the cold shoulder, refuses to go to the dance with him, explains that the kiss meant nothing, and proceeds to kiss the beer delivery guy (If this really happened to beer delivery guys, I would start tomorrow) and some random chick (2 “hot” girls kissing = $$$$).  So what does Senor Stalker do, he turns to Summer for advice as to how to play the punk chick.  Water Polo Boy II sees these two talking, gets salty and tells Summer to go to the dance with Cohen. 
 

Ryan wants asks his new girl, the smart chick, to go to the dance, she of course tells him no, because she is worried about tensions between them as lab partners if the dating thing does not work out.  (Ryan is trying to get a new piece of tail, and this chick is worried about a friggin’ science experiment).  Marissa does not want to take the lawn jockey, because he is a lawn jockey.  Julie busts in on Marissa and the jockey getting ready to do the deed on a lunch break from school.  Julie is not happy (probably because Marissa beat her to the lawn guy).  Marissa suggest to Ryan that they go together “as friends” so they are not on their own.  Then the smart girl tells Ryan she will go to the dance with him, unfortunately smart chick is shot down because Ryan has a date.  (Ryan cannot get a break!) 
 

Therefore, at the Dance Ryan, Summer, Cohen and Marissa are back together as a group, but none of them wants to be together.  Water Polo Boy II is hanging out at the bar where Cohen use to work, talking to Cohen’s chick, drinking a Yoo-hoo (A Yoo-hoo, this cements him as the biggest loser in the history of all losers!  This dick bag goes to a bar like facility and drinks a chocolate drink) While nursing his Yoo-hoo, practically crying in the thing, the punk chick tells him if he wants his girl back, he needs to fight for her (not physically, but this idiot missed the subtlety in the statement) and races over to the dance, and drops Cohen like a bad habit!   Carl me crazy, but if I was upset about a relationship (not likely), I would no be drinking a chocolate drink (we all know how Marissa gets over a bad relationship, A couple hundred drinks and a fist full of pills). 
 

Anyway, punk chick followed Water Polo to the dance because she realized this moron did understand her advice.  Anyway, she hooks up with Cohen, Summer hooks up with the Water Polo kid, and these four go on happily ever after. 
 

Ryan on the other hand, keeps his string of bad luck going.  Lawn Boy Shows up at the dance, Ryan gives him his coat and tie, so he can go to the dance with Marissa.  Marissa and the lawn jockey dance the night away, even though Julie, who is the host of the dance, wants to break that up ASAP.  Ryan goes to see the smart chick and tell her that he wants to date her, etc.  She of course shoots him down.

Ryan goes, home to lick his wounds, and there is a knock at the old pool house door, it is the smart chick.  These two hook up and everything seems good, right?  In the words of the Sunshine Scooter, Lee Corso, “Not so fast my friend!”  The woman that Caleb was paying off shows up at the Cohen’s house to talk to Sand Man about Caleb’s bribery trial.  She admits that Caleb was paying her for a child, not for housing permits.  Again, things are starting to look like they are going to work out, but not on this show.  At that moment our boy Ran and the smart chick walk outside where the Sand Man and this chick are chatting, the smart girl looks at her and says, “Mom, what are you doing here?”  NATCH! 
 

The girl that Ryan is trying to shag turns out to be Caleb’s illegitimate child, and Kristen’s half sister!  I mean Ryan cannot catch a friggin’ break.  This kid could not hit water if he fell out of a boat!   
 

I must admit that this twist seemed a bit much, but who am I to judge.  I am sure the writers spent all of ten minutes coming up with this little gem!