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2/10/05

By Matt G.

THE OC REPORT 
 

We’re Back. Dear readers, I know I have been slacking on my OC duties, but you know these things called jobs can be a real inconvenience sometimes.  After last night’s episode, I felt the need to make my return, so here we go! 
 

Let’s start with the old Sand-man shall we.  Let’s see, first he pisses away at least a thousand bucks in roses for a hallmark holiday.  Real wise investment there buddy, I guess we can all see why it is Kerstin that brings home the bacon in that family.  Then, Kerstin promptly feeds a dozen of these bad boys down the garbage disposal.  I think I can speak for every man when I say if your wife/girlfriend did that to flowers you bought her, this would be the last time you ever sent her flowers! Moreover, I would tell her what she could do with the stems. This however was just a warm up for the Sand Man’s episode.   He is harboring a fugitive (some sort of hippie radical from the early 1970’s), ex-lover, who is sort of hurting by the way, especially compared to Kerstin.  He is apparently so boring that his old college professor died and had a stroke so he did not have to listen to his nonsense any longer.  Then he blows of Kerstin on Valentine’s day to see the fugitive off.  He manages to get a little tongue action, but fails to close the deal.  Sandy, buddy, if you are going to screw up your marriage this badly, you might as well get a little piece of tail on the side, even if she is hurting.  Sandy has been married for 20 years, I am sure he could go for a little strange. 
 

Seth, your fucking nut.  This kid needs real help.  I have been saying forever that this kid has stalker material all over him, and he has proven me correct.  He draws a comic dedicated to Summer, which is creepy enough.  Then, he has the opportunity to at least make a little coin off his psychotic behavior, but blows it, because he is so worried about Summer blowing Water Polo Boy II.  Earth to Seth, of course WPB II is crushing Summer, I mean come on they are 18 years old.   
 

My boy Cal.  Man is it me, or is this guy as cool as the other side of the pillow?  He beats jail, cheats death, and just keeps on swinging.  I mean he is playing Ryan in pool (who is again, surprise, surprise, trying to do the right thing) and is just talking shit the entire time.  Cal is one of the best television characters ever created.   
 

Finally yet importantly, we have dyke action!  After what seems like months of leading us on, we finally got the make out scene (albeit brief) with the boozehound (Marissa) and the punk (Alex).  While I enjoyed the payoff, as a man, I always hate when we lose one to the dark side.  Actually, I have to start wondering about Ryan and Seth, both of them have had women go rouge on them.  Come on boys, you gotta keep your shit tight.  Regardless, I am sure Marissa was probably loaded when the whole thing took place, so she will not remember the incident.  This is just the kind of relationship Marissa need, dating someone who runs a bar.  That is about as good as a diabetic dating someone who owns a candy store.  Let’s set the over/under to Marissa’s next drunk fest or suicide attempt shall we.  I am setting the line 2 episodes. 
 

Well it feels good to be back, plus this report will finally get the pain in the ass webmaster off my back.